Putting it out there

Yesterday I had surgery on my thumb for trigger thumb, Today I feel overwhelmed.

When I get overwhelmed, I notice that I to do nothing. My headspace gets all trippy.
I become unorganized, frustrated, and a general feeling of malaise. My pain level increases, my brain feels crazy, and I start to shut down. I want to withdraw and yet I need Other humans, But asking for help seldom goes right for me.
The anxiety I feel when contemplating asking for help some times is just too much.
I feel like my kitten feels when he tries to play with the old cat who constantly slaps him with her claws. Claw shy!

When I do work up the courage and ask for help it is often with the wrong person, maybe they’re unwilling to help or unable to help but regardless I’m left standing there awash with the emotion and yet unable to get my needs met. And the anxiety wins because I retreat.

The good in this is I have learned to solve my own problems, and deal with feeling alone, and somehow I want to know that this is my good, the right path. I hope so, because if not why, and what am I doing here????

Huge challenge for me is talking about anything less than good. I have lived a life where “seeing the good” is my normal. I am trained to talk about only the good. I have affirmed my good so much that speaking of anything less than is difficult. Makes me feel like a failure to talk about less than happy, positive, wonderful, experiences, ideas, events.

The reality, the experience, becomes one of where I’m happy in the world and when I am sad I disappear, withdraw. So I only show up for half the time, the rest of the time I hide.

When I’m forced to show up feeling bad, I take a lot of energy to fake it till I make it. It never feels authentic. It’s easier just to stay away, to pretend that all is well, all the time.

I admire people who can speak and write about all of their life the good and the bad and can express to the world how to walk through that and how to survive.

I continue to draw inspiration from them, and one day at a time, I will continue to love myself no matter what.


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